November 1, 2010
Here I am again, sitting this time at Midnight in our new home, the PICU. We have had more news today about Cory that we were not expecting...I used to dislike Mondays, now I beginning to down right hate them.
I will not go into detail about what we were told...I don't know if it's because typing it on this entry will mean I have to acknowledge and accept it or by typing it, it means I have given up or just what it means. I will say it's more of could be or might be, let's run more tests to find out...I am at the point of not being surprised anymore by what they say only because we have had worse case scenario every damn time. I feel like I have been 15 rounds with Mohammad Ali....and the hits just keep on coming. What I will firmly acknowledge is this:
I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven
and Earth. I believe in Jesus Christ, his only son, our Lord.
He was conceived by the Holy Spirit and born of the Virgin
Mary. He suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died,
and was buried. He descended into hell. On the third day
he rose again. He ascended into Heaven and is seated at the
right hand of the Father. He will come again to judge the living
and the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy Catholic
Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins,
the resurrection of the body and life everlasting. Amen.
I believe in my son, his ambition, his love of life, his determination
to do what he sets his mind to do. I believe in our love as mother
and child, a bond that is deeper and stronger than anything on
this earth, and one that cannot be broken by anything or anyone.
I believe his work on Earth is not done, he has so much more
to do and share. I will not give up on him and I will always believe
he will return to me...all of us...because anything else would be
unacceptable.
These are my beliefs...something I hold firm, that are deeply ingrained in my heart and soul. Sometimes they burn so strong that my chest will swell, I feel like I can hardly breath and I could burst. I know these things just like I know the sun will rise tomorrow and the sun will set...
Since we have been here, I have questioned why this happened to Cory. He is a sweet boy who never meets a stranger, always smiles and loves his Momma, Daddy, Sissy, Nana and the rest of his family. He has an amazing talent in artwork. He can look at a picture and copy it or draw one free handed. He loves to run and play outside with his friends or he will sit and watch TV in his Momma's room. I couldn't understand why, why, why Cory but I am beginning to see why....
Today was one of those days, I needed to get out of the waiting room and prowl, as my Mom calls it. We take short trips to Target or we walk downstairs. Today, I decided to walk to Ronald McDonald House where we have a room. Let me explain this route...it is at least three quarters to a full mile to the house. I have to go through three lights and several entrances. If you think driving is hazardous in Houston, walking isn't much better but I needed this, it was like a something was forcing me to go. I threw my backpack on and took off. As I approached the house, all I could think of was Cory and I making this walk...together...soon. I was starting to get tired, because up to now, my exercise was getting up from my desk at the bank and walking to the printer that is maybe six feet away. Those last steps up to the house were for Cory, our strength working together to finish the job. I just kept talking to him, telling him this is our walk, our victory....if anyone heard me, I know they thought I had gone over the edge but I didn't care.
My walk back was different...I prayed my rosary. I would look up at the hospital as I walked saying my prayers up to God and thinking about my boy fighting to return to his family. The closer I made it to the hospital, the more urgent my prayers became...I begged God to please return Cory to us and give him back his gifts God gave him at birth so he can continue to spread his love and joy for life, to be a testimony of God's love and to strengthen our faith in God. As I was saying these prayers, I felt a strong wind and a total peaceful feeling surround me. It hit me that we were put here in this place for a very special reason, a place filled with children and filled with artwork everywhere. You can't go anywhere in this hospital and not find some type of handmade artwork or children's spirit...a perfect place for Cory.
The story of Cory's determination is spreading around here. We have had people come up from ER to check on Cory and his nurse told me last night she knew everything about Cory before she walked up to his room and read over his chart and a lot of nurses on the floor were praying for this little boy. He is still spreading his gifts...
I received a message from someone, my apologies to whoever sent it, telling me that Cory is in a state of suspension. He and God are making a plan and deciding how to execute it. I firmly believe that...I have a very strong feeling that something is going to happen, something that will surprise us all. I have the faith that God is working here...He is teaching us to appreciate each other, to find our faith and nurture it until it is strong and unwavering....this feeling is as strong and unwavering as my faith in God and in my faith in Cory.
As I close this post, it is now 1:30am, it is quiet in the PICU waiting room and the rain has started hitting the windows from the cool front coming in...I have someone else up with me tonight, tapping on his laptop keyboard...another parent not able to sleep, trying to find something to do while we sit waiting on our children and God...they are taking their time to make the perfect plan to show the world about God's love....